NEW TAX MILLAGE PROPOSED BY SHERIFF EDWARDS FOR A NEW OFFICE COMMODE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Catahoula Parish Sheriff Proposes “Gold Standard” Millage for $10 Million Justice-Sheriff Office Facility Upgrade

HARRISONBURG, LA — In a bold move to elevate parish infrastructure to world-class standards, Catahoula Parish Sheriff Toney Edwards announced today a proposal for a new, dedicated law enforcement tax millage. The funds, according to a sheriff’s office prospectus, are earmarked for the “acquisition of a critical piece of high-security, luxury sanitation equipment”: a solid 18-karat gold toilet for the Sheriff’s private office.

The toilet in question is the renowned sculpture “America,” a fully functional masterpiece by artist Maurizio Cattelan, which is only going to cost the people of Catahoula Parish the small cost of $10 million.

The solid gold commode, famously (and functionally) once installed at the Guggenheim Museum in New York, is described by Sheriff Edwards as an “incisive commentary on the collision of artistic production and commodity value.”

Sheriff Edwards believes this “incisive commentary” is exactly what Catahoula Parish needs to solve his office’s budget deficit and recent population decrease in the parish.

“Law enforcement is about respect,” Sheriff Edwards stated in a press release. “When perpetrators are brought into my office, or when state officials visit, they need to see that Catahoula Parish does not mess around. This isn’t just a toilet; it’s a throne of justice. It sends a message.”

The proposal, which will be put to voters this spring, the Sheriff has outlined five key reasons why the $10 million acquisition is essential for the future of the parish:

1. Economic Stimulus and Tourism: “Forget the tamale trail. People will come from all over the world to see the ‘Catahoula Crapper,’” explained Sheriff Edwards. “We plan to charge a small ‘viewing fee’ for non-arrested individuals. It’s a ‘1 percent’ artwork for the ’99 percent’ of Catahoula, and it will pay for itself in tourism dollars within the next 500 years.”
2. Enhanced Interrogation Efficiency: The proposal suggests the sheer opulence of the solid gold fixture will serve as a powerful law enforcement tool. Sheriff Edward’s explained that, “You bring a suspect into an office with a 220-pound gold toilet, and they’ll know you mean business. We anticipate confessions will increase by at least 40%. It’s a psychological power move. Who can lie when faced with that much gold?”
3. Parish Morale and Prestige: Sheriff Edwards further asserted that, “For too long, we’ve been looked down on. This acquisition puts Catahoula Parish on the same cultural footing as Blenheim Palace in England, where this very toilet was once stolen. It shows we are a parish of sophisticated tastes and ambitions, willing to invest in the finer things for our public servants.”
4. Ultimate Durability and Low Maintenance: The Sheriff also tells the people, “Let’s talk long-term infrastructure. Your standard porcelain? Chips, cracks, stains. This is solid 18-karat gold. It’s practically indestructible and naturally antimicrobial. The taxpayers of Catahoula Parish are obligated to give the sheriff a commode that will last generations. We are saving the parish money on future replacements and bleach. This is just sound fiscal planning.”
5. Boosting Deputy Morale and Recruitment: Finally Sheriff Edwards says that,”Top-tier law enforcement professionals expect top-tier facilities. We are in a competitive market for recruiting the best deputies. When a potential new hire tours the station, this fixture demonstrates our commitment to excellence and our support for the entire team. It’s a ‘trickle-down’ morale-booster. Knowing the boss has this? It just makes everyone work harder.”

The millage proposal is already facing questions from some parish residents, but the Sheriff remains undeterred. “This is an investment in our parish’s future,” he concluded. “It’s time we flush away mediocrity and embrace a gold standard for law enforcement.”

This post is satire and only intended to express my political views about a corrupt elected official or to provide lawful information to others about a corrupt elected official. It is intended to insult, be offensive, and be repugnant, towards Toney Edwards.